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Q - "How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A - It's a secret.

 

Q - "How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A - Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.

 

Q - "How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A - Three. You need a Secretary to read the minutes of the last light bulb changing, a Master Mason to change the light bulb, and a Past Master to sit on the sideline and say "That isn't how we did it."

 

Q - "How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A - Change it! My grandfather donated that light bulb!

 

Q - "How many Past Masters does it take to change a light bulb?"

A - "Why change it...it always worked before?"

 

Q - "How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A - 20, as follows:

2 to complain that the light doesn't work.
1 to pass the problem to either another committee, Temple Board or Master of
the Lodge.
3 to do a study on light in this Lodge.
2 to check out the types of lights the Knights of Columbus use.
3 to argue about it.
5 to plan a fund-raising dinner to raise money for the bulb.
2 to complain that "that's not the way we did it before."
1 to borrow a ladder, donate the bulb and install it.
1 to order the brass memorial plate and have it inscribed.

 

A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman.

"Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot..."

One day a Doctor was asked to give a Jewish fellow a physical. The fellow informed the Doctor that "I will only allow myself to be examined by someone with Kosher hands". Realizing how much this meant to the fellow, the Doctor asked the staff if there were any Jewish Doctors on any of the floors of the hospital. He was told that there was a Jewish Doctor that worked on the 8th floor. The Doctor called him and explained his situation and asked if he could come to the 2nd floor and perform the examination for him. The Jewish Doctor exclaimed “I have my own problems here to take care of; I have 5 Catholics who won't pee in a mason jar!"

A salesman walked into the post office in a small town and started to talk to the Post Master. In the course of their conversation the topic of Freemasonry came up. The man started to berate and criticize the Craft. He then asked the Post Master if he wanted hear a very funny joke about Masons. The Post Master told him that he was a Mason, as was the man standing in line behind the salesman, as were three of the mail carriers at the front desk. Now in the company of five Freemasons did the man still want to tell the joke to which the salesman replied, "Not if I have to explain it five times!"

There is this lodge located in the backwoods of a small southern town where the brethren are faithful masons but lack knowledge of receiving brothers from other jurisdictions. During one of the meetings, the JD informs the WM that there was an alarm at the door where upon the WM replied "Attend the alarm and report your findings ". The JD opens the door and see's to his amazement, a brother impeccably dressed with an elaborate apron and jewels about his chest. The Tyler being somewhat slow to answer for the visiting brother, the visitor states; My name is John Smith, PM of my lodge, Past District Deputy of my district, Past Grand Master of my Grand Lodge, Past Sovereign Grand Commander of the Scottish Rite, York Rite Legion of Honor, Past Imperial Potentate of the Shrine of North America, who humbly requests an audience with the WM. The JD upon hearing these words from the visiting brother and the elaborate apron and jewels upon his chest, immediately closes the door, returns to his post and informs the WM: "Worshipful Master, The Grand Architect of the Universe is at the door"!!!

At the monthly Building Society meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several suggestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned. Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"

The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish. "OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate to fly. So my wish is for you to build a bridge so I can drive to Hawaii." "I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."  "OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"

"Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"

Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other long ago that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first. One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing. A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly “Pat! Its me, Bill!" "Bill" Pat exclaimed, “are you in Heaven?"  “Indeed I am “said Bill. Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said “Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?" "There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to Great Queen Street. The meetings are well attended, the ritual is word perfect, the festive board fantastic and the spirit of Masonic Fellowship is all pervasive."  “My goodness, Bill," said Pat, “It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."  “Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad." “OK, what’s the good news?"  “The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday" "Great" said Pat. “What’s the bad news then?"  “You’re the Senior Deacon!”

A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he askes a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret."

"OLD MASONS NEVER DIE, BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JOIN TO FIND OUT WHY"

A young Entered Apprentice was being tested on his proficiency. After going over the signs and passwords, he looked at his tester and asked, "I noticed several of the older members sticking their fingers in their ears and whistling. What does that sign mean?"

"That's not a sign," his tester said, "Those are Past Masters adjusting their hearing aids."

A Grand Master was traveling to an official visitation. He was late so he was driving a bit fast. A State Trooper stopped him, but recognizing the S&C on the trooper, the GM explained the situation. The trooper responded that he'd let him go this time, but he'd better slow down or he wouldn't live to become a PGM. Now the GM is even later so he went faster. Soon another trooper pulled him over. The GM again recognized him as a Brother so he explained the situation again, and again he only got a warning. Now the GM is really late so he drove even faster yet. A bit further along the way, again while speeding, a third Trooper pulls him over. Again, by his ring, the GM knows he is a Mason, and again explains his dilemma. This time, however, the Trooper writes him a speeding ticket for the full 20mph over the limit. Just prior to pulling away the GM ask why he unlike the first two Masons, wrote the ticket? The trooper replied, " You have met my fellow Troopers, Officer J-BL-O, and Officer J-BL-AH, I am Officer J-BL-UM.

Have you heard of the Lodge that was holding its meetings in the ball room of the local hotel while its building was undergoing renovations? One night a traveling salesman asked the desk clerk who all those men going into the room were. The desk clerk replied "Oh, those are the Masons." The salesman said, Oh, I've always wanted to join that lodge. Do you think they would let me in?" "Oh, no," said the clerk. "They're awful exclusive. Why, you see that poor guy standing outside the door with a sword? He's been knocking for six months and they still won't let him in!!!"

Two candidates were elected to enter on the same lodge night, one was a butcher and the other a sales rep. on the night of initiation the butcher went in first, when it came to the charge at the north east corner it was discovered that he had a quarter pound of liver in his pocket that he was going to deliver on his way home, obviously this had to be taken away. the JD took this to the tyler and said this is the butchers liver ,and to this day we haven’t seen the sales rep

Two non Masons were passing a lodge after have quite a few drinks. What do you think goes on in there? asks one. I don't know but I am going in to find out, said the other. After two or three minutes he comes flying out of the door all bloody and clothes ripped. What happened to you? asks the first.
Well he said, after passing through the entryway, I climbed a winding stair. When I got to the top I came to a door with a small door at head height and so I knocked. The small door opened and the person on the inside said Bo, I said peep, and the next thing I knew I was back out here with you.

A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as no great distance was involved he would go on his bicycle. Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge. Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.

A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the SW started and whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK", the candidate replied, "a lite beer".

A little before Lodge is about to open an old man totters up to the Tyler and says, "I'm here to receive my 2nd degree." Well, they all look at this guy, who really is older than dirt, and they ask him to explain. "I was entered on July 4, 1922. Now I'm ready for my 2nd degree." So they go scurrying for the records, and sure enough, there was his name, entered on July 4, 1922. "Where have you been all these years? What took you so long to be ready for your 2nd?" they ask. Reply: "Learning to subdue my passions!"

A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said i know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and promp you when you have any trouble. So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes i have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a mm apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on. he said "how much is the one with the masters apron on", "$2000 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck”,” No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on", "Well, that one is $1,000 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it", "no to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on", "you can have him for $10", "why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?" "Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!

Have you heard the story about that fellow who wants to go hunting? He needed a dog and consulted a Brother. That brother, who sold dogs, gave him on, called JW. "It's a very good dog", he said, "he knows a lot about hunting and you can truly rely on him". Our fellow took that dog. One week later he returned. "It's not too bad, but he doesn't seem to be very experienced. Haven't you got another dog?"  "Sure I have", said the Brother. "This one for example is called SW and he's a bit more experienced. Try him and if you don't like him, feel free to come back."  Indeed, our fellow returned the dog two weeks later. "He's quite good actually, but he's not what I'm looking for. Still I need a dog which is more experienced."  "Well", said the Brother, "I can offer you a really experienced dog. He's called PM and you'll have good time with him."  So our fellow took the animal. Just one day later he returned.  "What's wrong with him?", the Brother asked, "I haven't got any dog that is more experienced than this one." "Well", our fellow said, "he might be experienced, but all he's doing is sitting there and barking!"

There is the incident of the cop who stopped a car full of Shriners for speeding. When he was that they were wearing fezzes he said, "Oh! Your Shriners are you? Then I'll let you off this time because they do a lot of good. BUT if you were Masons I'd run you all in.

A young policeman is undergoing his initiation and has just taken his obligation, he is asked "What do you most desire?" and before the deacon can prompt him he declares that it is "To be a sergeant!"

A Brother was driving home after a Lodge meeting and a festive board which had consisted on many takings of wine. Sure enough a blue light followed the car, and he pulled over to the side of the road. Thinking that the policeman might be a Freemason, he placed his driving license and insurance documents in his ritual book.

 When the police officer asked for his driving license he made a great play of taking it from his ritual book, but the policeman made no reaction whatsoever. The same with his insurance documents.

He was then asked to blow into the breathalyzer which proved positive. He gave the sign of distress, which was ignored. The policeman started to write notes in his pocket book. At this point, the Brother needed to go to the toilet, so asked the Police Officer if he could retire to the bushes in order to restore himself to his personal comforts.

The officer replied "Certainly sir, and on your return, I shall read to you a charge....."

 Some few years back, just after the introduction of Random Breath Testing, the Police officers of a small country township had to show the community that the RBT was working. They decided to stake out the local Masonic Hall, then as the night wore on, eventually a mason slowly came down the stairs and got into his car. The moment he started the engine the two officers approached him and asked him to "blow into the bag". He did of course but to the amazement of the officers proved negative. Fearing a faulty bag tried again, with the same results. Sure of a possible conviction they then escorted him to the Police station to do a blood test, with it also proving negative. Being upset with this they then asked him what had gone on and what he had done that evening, to which he answered, "The Grand Master was there, the Grand Secretary was there, the Grand Stewards were there and we all had a great time, as to my job I was the Grand Decoy".

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to GOD. The postman, seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it. It was from a man who was down on his luck, and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did. Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to GOD. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send any future funds through the Knights of Columbus, as the Masons had kept half.

A Doctor and Plumber are in the same Lodge. On Sunday Morning the Doctor wakes up to find his toilet blocked. So he rings the Plumber. "But I do not work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I do not like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you" "Ok" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowel. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."

It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter. He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?" Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1." St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time. He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual. The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it. St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course." "The kitchen," said the Master?

"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."

Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft. The chaps in the balloon enquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon."
Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again. One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!" "Why do you say that?", the other asked. "Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"

A recently raised Master Mason applied for a job and knowing his prospective boss to be a prominent Mason he made sure to wear his square and compass cuff links. When he arrived at the interview he approached his interviewer in the regular manner and proceeded to shake hands (yes with THAT handshake).

After an hour or so (with the candidate dropping numerous Masonic references) the prospective boss asked if he were to be offered the job, what package would he expect. Our candidate, now feeling very confident said that he would like $200,000 and five weeks of annual leave.

His interviewer replied, "We'll halve it and you begin."

The Master of the lodge and his two wardens went golfing one day. As they were about to tee off the first hole the course marshal came and asked if a young woman could join their group. Being a charitable group they all agreed. She turned out to be a scratch golfer but on the 18 th. hole she drove the green in two and was about to put for eagle. She then ask the three brothers if any one of them helped her make the put she would be eternally grateful. Well then, the Junior Warden look at the put and told her it was uphill and broke to the right. Well the Senior Warden being a more expert workman looked at it second, and said " That is partially correct but five inches from the hole it breaks back to the left. Well the Master of Lodge then took his turn. He looked at the put carefuly and then went over to the ball, Picked it up and exclaimed " It's a gimme !!!"

A Mason's wife once asked him why he learned all his workings in the toilet. His reply: "That's the only properly tiled room in the house.

The case with the silk stockings

Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: *I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?* John gives a quick look and whispers: *You remember the installation meeting last year ?* Mike acknowledges and John goes on: *Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !*

A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this.

She) Well how'd it go ?

He) Very well - most interesting

She) What did go on ?

He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.

She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?

He) well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.

She) What do they do - if you can tell me ?

He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....

She) and the Holy men ? what of them ?

He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"

There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!

The Eastern Star held a seminar about getting new members. During a break a brother happened to overhear one Worthy Matron say to another, "Ours is up ten." The second Worthy Matron responded, "We've got you beat. Our gain is twenty-five." The brother said, "Pardon me, sisters. I don't mean to interrupt, but I couldn't help hearing. That's wonderful news! Between your chapters we've got thirty-five new members!"

"New members?" said the first, "We were talking about how many pounds our Worthy Patrons have gained this year."

A mason who had just been installed as Master of his lodge and was duly attending all the functions he could was having a hard time with his wife who said... " All those masters-in-office have to do is click their fingers and you would be there wouldn't you?.........I wish I was a master!"
After due thought, he said...
"So do I dear..... we swap them for a new one every year!!"

One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did.
When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turn up etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home.
The next day in the post she received 64 letters.